demon coffee

I may be responsible for single-handedly keeping Starbucks in business since January of 2009.

 I'm not sure how they are going to keep afloat when my husband is home more often and I have more than the voices in my head justifying four-dollar coffees. Who buys those expensive caramel-ball thingies? I do. Who buys a six to twelve-dollar mug every Christmas? I do! Holiday CD? (Remember those?) Yup. Kid's traveling mugs? 

Totally necessary.

 Don't think I don't feel guilty. 

I've added up the numbers a few times. 

It makes my stomach clench.
And that makes me sad.

So sad in fact, that I feel the need for a warm delightful, 

frothy, with-notes-of-smooth-cedary-caramelly-goodness, coffee. 

Tired?  Get a latte. (That one's obvious.)  

Feeling fat? Try the morning bun. 

Feeling fat? Try a, "skinny" anything. 

Feeling fat? Indulge in the 500 calorie pastries, but promise yourself that it's the last time.

 Tight on cash? Aren't we all? Skip buying gas instead. Man can live on high-calorie coffee drinks alone.

Sick of other people railing about American excess? Get a macchiato, AND a bottled water. Five pennies out of that two-dollar purchase will go to help others have clean drinking water.

 (That's like, half a dime! Or one-twentieth of a dollar!)  

On a road trip with five children? Starbucks has the cleanest bathrooms around.

 (Really. They do. Across America, their bathrooms win. Hands down.)

Been home all week with said five children and need to get out, but don't want to get them out?
Two words: drive thru.

 Need some atmosphere? You know where to go. Who else has those cute little worn-wood stools, factory lighting, rad music, and brightly colored poster art of Africa and other countries? 

Want to treat the kids? The cake pops are only $1.50 apiece, and the boxed chocolate milk is ORGANIC. 

 (For me, that's only around $17 in treats for the kids. A steal.) 

Craving humiliation? Take way too long perusing the menu, and then try confidently explaining that you want a 16- ounce specialty-whatever-drink in Starbuck's speak.
Like watching awkward interactions? Watch your husband or father order.
 It's the best.

Then, once you know how to order everything on the menu--just the way you like it; go to the nearest wall and bang your head on it for spending so much of your life flirting with the biggest, baddest, succubus in coffee culture today.

I mean the coffee kind of succubus. Not the sexy-time kind.