Tonight I had been putting off playing catch with Lincoln. Had to make dinner. Had to chat with a friend. Had to clean up dinner...blah, blah, blah. So, I finally got that urgent feeling of inadequacy. That feeling you get when your kid is old enough to remember how you blew him or her off. When you realize they aren't two and incapable of remembering what they had for breakfast. I guess guilt and pride can be good motivators.
That, and I heard him throwing the baseball on the roof. Which was annoying.
So, I headed out to play catch. Something I think I've done maybe three or four times my whole life. He kept giving me pointers. Which was annoying.
We had been playing for about 15 minutes. Him grinning ear to ear. Me having to run after the ball. Which was annoying.
When...I heard a little kid saying, "Eh? Eh?"
That's Amharic for, "Hey, I know I'm too little and wimpy to play. But I really think I'd be an asset to your team."
Reagan had been standing there watching us play. Managed to put on Lincoln's batting glove...and stood patiently waiting to be included.
And, yes. I've pretty much given up on braids this past month. This is what her hair has looked like a lot lately. I try to fluff it up when we go out...but a majority of the time she has bed-head fro.
Don't judge me.
I'll get it right someday.
So, Lincoln and I included her in a little triangle of catch. 'Course she was no good at it. She was happily oblivious. Now, SHE was grinning ear to ear. And, if it seemed like Lincoln or I weren't throwing the ball to her often enough...she would emphatically pat her belly and say, "Eh! Eh!" Din-Din! Mah-Maaaah!"
So we played. And...it wasn't very annoying.
It was more...cute.
While we were outside...some other kid had a bathroom emergency and I had to go be the maid.
When I came out awhile later...they were still playing.
I know it's just catch.
And, I know that families should love each other. So, I'm not sure I can put into words how good this makes me feel.
My son loves his sister. He loves her a lot. He includes her. She wants to be included.
We are family.
Sometimes that hits me randomly and hard. It's mind boggling.
I get so caught up in the mechanics of having kids. The failures. The getting from point a., to point b. The feelings of inadequacy. Just being plain dog tired and sometimes depressed. Racking my brain on how to work better as a family. To have a home that isn't so chaotic. I start looking for validation ANYWHERE but home. When you are a stay at home mom...yeah sure, you know your job is important. But it's also just A dimension of who you are. I think being a mother will be one of the biggest investments and pouring out of self I will ever take part in. Still...still...it's not ALL of me. It's hard. And, it can seem WAY too big of a job.
Yet, sometimes, if I would just get up...
It would be so much more fun.
My tank was filled to the brim by my children tonight. It cost nothing. It was free.
Waiting for me.
I almost missed it...
It's hard for me to imagine...
But there are things in my life that are better than medication (I think).
Better than organization (again--perhaps).
Better than chocolate (just slightly).
Better than a nap (usually).
Better than calm.
Those things are...little glimpses of love in its most naked form.
I see PLENTY of ugly, selfish, angry, tattley, lazy..."normal," behaviors, too. Sometimes by looking in the mirror. Sometimes acted out by little people.
But on days like today...they are a drop in the bucket.