February 17, 2011

What a difference 278 days make

 A few days ago, Lincoln had stayed up late to do his homework. While I kept him company, I started going through home videos. I came across this first one of Reagan. She had been home for six days. I can't get over how hurt and withdrawn she seemed. I had forgotten what her cry had sounded like. That apathetic, "Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh."

 When we first met our daughter, we had no context of who she was. What she looked like when she was truly happy. What she looked like when she was truly sad.

Now I know.

At the time, I was thankful that six days later (after arriving in the U.S.), she seemed happier. She wasn't sick, she didn't have a fever, or that oozing sore on her mouth. She opened up more and more every day. The other kids loved her. I was just glad to be home.

But now I watch this video and it sucks the air out of my lungs. It hurts my heart. I knew that she'd be grieving. I just didn't know what that would look like.  
This is what it looked like. 


I know it might not seem like much. 
But it's the difference between confusion, pain, hopelessness and heartache. 
And, confidence, determination, intimacy and happiness.
It's the difference between a smile brought on by fleeting entertainment. And one brought on by trust and joy.

She was hurting.

I remember now, how she would withdraw and stare off into nothing. How she would turn away. I remember that deep, pitted, scared feeling...that maybe something was really, really wrong. That maybe it was something I couldn't help her with.


And then here's today. A friend of mine had posted the Katy Perry cover of, "Fireworks," on her facebook page. Grant asked me to, "beedio" him dancing to the, "moon, moon, moon song." Sorry it's so long. Grant doesn't even dance very much. What I couldn't stop smiling at is Reagan. 


Sometimes we need a reminder of how far we've come.

I know that with all my children...we are in a lifelong journey together. 

I know it's not over.

But to quote Confucius, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

If I haven't lost you already with my insane amount of cheesiness, don't worry. I'm done. :)

I'm just happy.


  1. great video and posts today. Each child, no matter how they come to you presents challenges and each child will need to deal with pain at some point in their life. It is so great to see how far Reagan has come. When we were at Hannah's Hope the same loss is in the eyes of every child there that you can see in Reagan's face in the first video. But I think there is also hope, because they once knew what it was like to be loved and a part of a family and they know that it is possible again. So they grieve so that they can get to the hope within them. So glad Reagan has such a wonderful second family to help her through each process of grief and loss and restoration of hope and love.

  2. Babee heard the babe and came over to watch it with me. He is smitten! He kept asking for "more girl" when Reagan would go off camera. When I told him her name he kept saying wae-wae. I'm thinking a match made in heaven?

  3. @Coy, I agree that each child that is in our lives (*however* we were molded into family) has their own challenges and pain. I love that! And, I hope I never sound like hey, "We've arrived!" like everything is rainbows and gumdrops now. As much as I want to acknowledge certain pains and struggles...I want to validate successes and triumphs. I know what you mean about that loss in their eyes. When I would go up to one of the, "baby rooms" with Reagan...it was so interesting (and sad) how some of the kids were so withdrawn and vacant. And, others...were the life of the party. Both reactions to pain, and coping methods aren't indicative of how their lives will pan out in the future. Ahh. We humans!

    @Summer, that made me so happy! "Wae-Wae"!

  4. Wonderful and heartwarming!
    Found you through Household 6 Diva - can't wait to read more about your family. :)


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