A few days ago, Lincoln had stayed up late to do his homework. While I kept him company, I started going through home videos. I came across this first one of Reagan. She had been home for six days. I can't get over how hurt and withdrawn she seemed. I had forgotten what her cry had sounded like. That apathetic, "Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh."
When we first met our daughter, we had no context of who she was. What she looked like when she was truly happy. What she looked like when she was truly sad.
Now I know.
At the time, I was thankful that six days later (after arriving in the U.S.), she seemed happier. She wasn't sick, she didn't have a fever, or that oozing sore on her mouth. She opened up more and more every day. The other kids loved her. I was just glad to be home.
But now I watch this video and it sucks the air out of my lungs. It hurts my heart. I knew that she'd be grieving. I just didn't know what that would look like.
This is what it looked like.
I know it might not seem like much.
But it's the difference between confusion, pain, hopelessness and heartache.
And, confidence, determination, intimacy and happiness.
It's the difference between a smile brought on by fleeting entertainment. And one brought on by trust and joy.
She was hurting.
I remember now, how she would withdraw and stare off into nothing. How she would turn away. I remember that deep, pitted, scared feeling...that maybe something was really, really wrong. That maybe it was something I couldn't help her with.
And then here's today. A friend of mine had posted the Katy Perry cover of, "Fireworks," on her facebook page. Grant asked me to, "beedio" him dancing to the, "moon, moon, moon song." Sorry it's so long. Grant doesn't even dance very much. What I couldn't stop smiling at is Reagan.
Sometimes we need a reminder of how far we've come.
I know that with all my children...we are in a lifelong journey together.
I know it's not over.
But to quote Confucius, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
If I haven't lost you already with my insane amount of cheesiness, don't worry. I'm done. :)
I'm just happy.