Homesick

(T-shirt design by Jesse Lefkowitz)

Tonight I was going to try and write my conclusion to, "Phone calls..."

But all I can think about is how homesick I am for Oregon.

I want to post a million pictures of the people, and the places that I love.

I miss them all.  I miss it all. 

I miss finally being able to understand where east, west, north and south are. I can't tell here! I got east and that's about it. Plus, the moon travels funky in the sky. It makes a Cheshire cat smiley face, instead of a crescent during half moons. I miss knowing where creeks, rivers and trails are...just minutes from my front door. I miss our old house, the kitchen, the sound of rain on the skylight, the deer, and the creek in the back yard. I miss my friends. I miss the mountains. I miss knowing where to go. I miss faces.

I miss my family...

Me, dad, and Bekah. Thanksgiving 2009.

I miss how my dad will come up next to me and gives me awesome sideways squeezes 

 that hurt my ribs.  I pretended to hate them when I was 13... but they've always calmed something in my soul. I miss him saying, "How's RoRo?" (A nickname I got when my brother Sam was a kid and couldn't say "Sarah.")  I miss his smile and his red hair. I miss his slow, deliberate, sarcastic humor. 

A lot. 

 I miss him stopping by during his lunch break, and, "checking in" on me and my little family.  How he will let about anyone dig their own verbal grave. Just by being quiet. By letting a few moments of silence...go by. I miss seeing him talk to my husband, and giving him the kind of father/son relationship he always wanted--but never had. I miss watching my sons talk to my dad. What a strange thing. I miss him forever working SO hard to take care of his family. I miss watching him show up guys half his age...because that's the way he is.  Strong, capable, young and wise. Watching him be a man of integrity in a world full of lost men. Even though he's been lost, too. I miss the rare moments that he'll open up to me about something personal and invite me in. I miss seeing him around town and being proud that, "Hey! There goes my dad!"  I miss him asking my mom what I said. Because he couldn't hear. He's a little hard of hearing...and he's used to asking her.   Even when I'm right there in front of him.  I miss his wisdom and insight. I miss him eating peanut butter sandwiches and drinking a can of Coke at just about any given minute or hour of the day. I miss his crazy, perfectly timed, spot on encouragement.  
 I just miss him.

Hannah and Dad, at her wedding.

I miss my mom. I miss commiserating about pregnancy and homeschooling. I miss her inviting me to sit and talk on the living room couch. Amidst work schedules, a gaggle of horses, dogs and chickens, her husband, giggling, screaming kids, sulky teenagers, crying babies, my nine siblings, and her 11 (counting baby Audrey) grandchildren; she still makes time for me. I miss getting to be her friend now. I miss her awesome blue eyes and amazingly perfectly straight teeth. I miss her pretty hands. Her cute little feet wrapped up in Birkenstocks. I miss being proud of her freakishly wonderful talent and expertise as a O.B. nurse in a small community. "Yes, she does work there...yes, yes, she is amazing." I miss her giddy about a new horse to take on trail rides. I miss how she lights up when she talks about poetry. Or anything that moves her.  Tangents on politics, religion,  or relationships. I love that she doesn't shy away from things some people are too wary to face. I miss walking around their property and seeing what new projects have taken hold. I miss her gardens and seeing her find peaceful moments wandering around her haven. I miss how she finds special ways to spend time with each of her grandchildren; while she is working so hard to take care of her own home. Even though she's still raising children who aren't grown. I miss hearing her try to recite something fascinating that she just read, or heard... but never finding just the right words.  How hugely intelligent and smart she is;  yet totally goofy and silly. Seeing her  moved to tears over Shakespeare or Monk. Either one will do. I miss sitting on their couch with Jason and the other couples in the family...staying up late and inevitably watching her laugh until tears are streaming down her face. How she searches for and finds meaning in things forgotten or passed by others.
  I just miss her.

July 2009: David and mom. His birthday. Long hair stage. She's trying to embarrass him by oozing cheesy love songs his way.

 I miss my older brother, Joel.  I miss his slow smile, that can never be held back. I miss his ability to sell ideas and projects. That he can fix anything, anywhere, with whatever he has. That he has always and will always stand up for those left behind. That he would and has put himself between me and danger. I miss the crazy things he likes to eat.  I miss the ingenious contraptions he is constantly building. I miss the way he thinks. That he would give me the coat off his back. That he would give you the coat off his back. I miss his ability to tell a story...and make it brighter, bigger and better just because it was told by him. I miss his ability to find unique solutions to help people in pain and hard life situations. I miss watching how God is working in his life...and knowing that it is something special.  I just miss him.

I miss his wife, Shannon, and the way she can turn ON the sunshine in a room. I miss that she has my back. Always. That she thrives on planning ahead. That she will find a deal in the silliest, most run-down, un-likely, ridiculous places. She is smart and very hard working. I love that I knew her before my brother. Hippie, punk kid that she was back then. She was still amazing. I miss talking to her about marriage and babies and God.  I miss that I could say, "Man, if only I had a pink ribbon..." and she would have five pink ribbons out and ready before I finished my sentence. I miss that she is supportive of me and my family. That she makes special events...more special. That she is the most helpful person I've ever met.

Kennedy and Joel and Shannon's daughter.

Hands down. 

Besides my other brother's wife. 

Maybe they're tied.

They are wonderful.

I miss my younger brother, Zach. How incredibly funny he is. I miss waiting and trying to figure out when the punchline is coming...because there is always  a punchline. And, when there isn't...it's fun anticipating anyway.

(Okay. Maybe it's slightly annoying to him that I can't stop giggling around him.)

How he is so much smarter than he thinks he is. That he is wise. Kind. Creative in a way I could never be...and that makes me slightly jealous.
Jealous in the good, "Man. That's cool. I wish I could do that!" way. I miss the beautiful songs he would write  and play on his guitar. Or on the piano...how he would try and get me to, "jam" with him. Even though I was too square and uncreative to keep up.  I miss hearing about his and Joel's adventures; that usually involve someone's car breaking down. I miss eating with him! Because he is a fine connoisseur of...anything that you eat. Believe me. I miss watching him try to be the best dad. I miss watching him evolve into a husband and grown-up man. Not just my baby brother. I just miss him.

I miss his wife, Katie. I miss her because, she's family. I miss her because, even though her and my other sister-in-law married into this craziness.  I realize how amazing they are and how bonded I am to them. How lucky I am to have not three sisters...but five. I miss how freakin' funny she is. In a totally,  *bah-domp-domp-BAM!*    There's your joke!- way.  I miss how supportive she is. That she wanted to be around us all. How she valued our family and showed us all how lucky we were. I miss how she can take anything and turn it into something stylish and pretty.
I just miss her.

Grant and Zach and Katie's youngest son.

To be continued...