I hate waiting for phone calls.
This is part of, "the military life" that blows.
It's (obviously) totally not his fault.
Sometimes he gets called out on missions. Sometimes it's his favorite thing, meetings. Sometimes he's too busy to even shower. Sometimes the phone lines aren't going through. Sometimes it's just hard to work out the timing...because Afghanistan is like opposite world.
It still sucks.
Even though the (teeny-weeny) logic side of my brain says everything is fine.
I always worry.
I worry that something bad happened to keep him from calling.
I suppose it must be a little what parents go through when their kids don't call after curfew.
Only...he's an adult. And, I should know better.
So, I keep coming back to these verses that have gotten me through the past few months. They have literally revolutionized my life. In every nook and cranny.
While sitting in the preschool room at homeschool co-op, I met a lady who has become a sweet friend. She's a military brat, traveled the world and then some, married to an army dude, and has been through three deployments. She called to check on us the day after Jason deployed. She didn't know he had just left. God orchestrated that part, and that's just how she is. Always in the right place at the right time. During our conversation, she lathered ointment on my wounds. She didn't tell me trite little cliches like, "Just give it time." Or "He'll be back before you know it." She gave me *gasp* verses. From the bible.
"The heart is more deceitful than all else, and is desperately sick; Who can understand it?
In a society whose constant mantra is, "Follow your heart." This seems totally unnatural. However, if our hearts really are deceitful and sick; it doesn't make sense to follow them. As a Christ follower, I'm called to rely on His word...and to follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit. That's not always the same things as my heart.
Examples of this?
- The week before I married the person who I now so wholly miss; I was sure that my heart was telling me to run. It wasn't just nerves. It was the guilt of an unplanned pregnancy. The embarrassment. The heartache over letting others down. Resentment at my soon to be husband and myself. The anger that my mistake would be public. It all added up to being repulsed...about everything in our relationship. So, on one hand my heart was telling me, "You don't know him. This is scary. This is a sign! This feels bad. RUN!!!" And, on the other hand...deep down inside me, I knew that I needed to marry him. I knew that it was right. I knew that I loved him; even though it had changed from a silly school-girl feeling...to something much, much more serious. Like the kind of love that walks next to someone through difficult times. It might not be sexy (at the the time). But, it's real. I remembered that the first time I met him, I had thought in my 18-year-old brain, "I'm going to marry him." What my heart, nerves, and body felt, and what my spirit knew...were two completely different things. If I had, "followed my heart." I believe I would have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I feel like God has blessed me over and over and over again for trusting Him with that decision. I married my best friend. He is loyal, loving, and challenging to me. He is perfect for me. I love him.
- Soon after I talked on the phone to this friend...God started breaking my heart in another area of my life. With Ray. Some days, my heart tells me, "She will never love you. You will never love her enough . Some broken things can never be repaired." My heart screams in fear. My heart shuts down. My heart lies. God's word boldly proclaims that we have all been adopted. That without love we are CLANGING SYMBOLS. That true religion is more than attending church. It's more than loving your kin. It's more than volunteering at a soup kitchen. That it's taking care of the orphans and widows. Now, this may present itself differently to every child of God. I know that all aren't called to adopt. But I was. And...I would be foolish to assume that raising this child will be accomplished in my own desperately sick strength. I have been given SO much peace through this verse in the area of raising our daughter. It's given me the clarity of mind to go back to the foundation. To remember that God called me to this before I lost all my teeth. Before I found my husband. Before we had any children. And, now realizing that it wasn't because I was special. It wasn't because I had a greater capability to love than anyone else. But...that He was just preparing me to be used by Him.
- The last way this verse has calmed my fears is...with my husband. Even though his job is really very, "safe." Even though God has been preparing our hearts for this stage in our lives...for years. Even though he is good at what he does, excels in these types of situations...even though. My heart STILL tells me some days, "He will be broken when he comes home." Or, "He's not coming back." I think it'd be pretty safe to say I'm not the only military wife who has had those thoughts. It just comes with the territory. I think as time goes on, you get better at not wasting energy on mindless worry. At least, that's the way it seems when I psycho-analyze these (insane) women who have been at this for years and years. They still manage to get dressed in the morning. They even have smiles on their faces. I know they have been through the fire. And...somehow they just get more and more filled with grace. They seem to have a peace that is totally OUT of this world. For me; those thoughts DO pop into my head. And, when my heart is scared. When it's saying hopeless things, and is filling up with hurtful feelings. THAT'S when I tell myself. "Self. Your heart is DECEITFUL... more than anything else. IT'S sick. You can take those thoughts and SHOVE 'em!"
Then I can move onto renewing my mind. (wha...?) To taking every thought captive.
2 Corinthians 10:5
"We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ."