January 15, 2011

White Flag pt. 4

So, life is overwhelming.

Being home with the kids. All day. Every day.

You know it's not just you. Life is messy. You know there are people who deal with more. Some live it with grace. Some survive by their teeth and their nails. They are on third and fourth deployments.  They are parenting multiple children with RAD. They are losing their jobs. They are unloved by their spouses. They have swallowed so many seeds of bitterness, that a whole oak tree of anger and resentment has grown and taken over their soul. They are dealing with infidelity. They are tired to the inside of the inside of the inside of their bones. They have lost children. They see themselves through twisted, broken, dirty mirrors. Death. Divorce. Illness. Depression. Addictions. Self-loathing. Grief. There's always more life can throw at you.  

Pain is pain is pain is pain.

You think maybe you should send the three older kids to the local school. That would mean losing the title of, "Homeschool Mom" for awhile. It feels like failure. But, you've gotten to the point where the only thing keeping you from sending them would be pride. You know you need help. And, it's not the kind of help that can be accomplished in a day. Or a week. It's resetting your compass. It's reevaluating life. And then...it's accepting that you aren't a failure...you are just changing course to take better care of the people you love.

That's when you finally tell Him. When you kick the (proverbial) dog and scream,


That's when you put out a white flag.

And then...something happens that always happens when you finally give up.

God laughs. And says, "Duh."
(Or something more eloquent along those lines.)

Boulder goes away. Rolled right off your chest. The microsecond you said, "I can't..."

"You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. and
 "This was freedom.  Losing all hope was freedom. " (Chuck Palahniuk)

Hopefully people know you're not amazing because you rock at mediocrity. Anymore than you should freakin' put others on a pedestal. It's not loving. It's not true fellowship. You need to stop placing people you respect out of your reach; so you don't have to get close enough to see their need. You can't survive being a martyr, anymore than they can. You can't handle that arrogant, consuming pride. That pride of doing, achieving, hiding. You need real. You ARE screwed up.

But the God you serve isn't.
And...He really does give you exactly. what. you. need.

As sinful as you are. As prideful. Mean. Impatient. Jealous. Apathetic. Rude. Angry. Hurtful. As disgusting as your heart is...it's His. And, even though you're having a hard time beating into your head that God really does love you. He does.

And He expects more of you.

But, not in the way you think. Not in a cleaner home. Whiter smile. Tighter buns. Smarter kids. Bigger ministries. Not in more self-control, organic foods, or trips to the recycling center.

But in surrender. He expects abandonment. He desires it from you.

He desires you. 

Probably so much that it'll make you blush.

The world fades. Problems shrink. Logic is confounded.
When we see glimpses of the love the Father has lavished on us.

And, He'll help you get there. Wherever He wants you to go. Whoever He wants you to talk to. Whatever He wants you to let go of. Whatever sin He wants you to kick to the curb. Lies. Pain. Life.

He'll help.

Romans 5:5-6
 "...and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts...for while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly."

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